Bossy
Whenever I issue too many directives, especially in a loudish voice, one of my five-year-old twins asks: “Why are you being so bossy?” Most of the time, this simple question can get me to turn down the volume and take a breath. But not always, I must admit.
Why raise one’s voice in the first place? Over the past couple of years, a bunch of my neighbors and I have formed a sort of Yellers Anonymous Club, confessing that we do, at times, speak to our children in a less-than-loving voice. Does it do any good? No, but we can’t help ourselves. Hitting is out, and the other tools at our disposal — time outs, begging, counting 1-2-3, and rational discussion — don’t reliably work. So what’s left?
This article in today’s Times outs the vast population of shouters. (And I’d like to scream at the headline writer for choosing “Shouting is the New Spanking” — we’re pointedly not spanking, dammit.) It points out that there’s no real constituency that supports shouting at kids; spankers at least have a community in agreement with them. But note that the article nowhere provides a single clue about how to deal with kids who won’t listen or who work your last nerve…. Sorry. Where was I?
Instead, we get this statement from a woman who’s surely misidentified as an “expert” on child development: “[T]he one thing you really have ultimate control over is the tone of your voice.” Does this person have children?
But some people do seem to have such control. The woman who cared for our kids, part-time, until they were three, never once was heard to raise her voice to my kids, or to her own. A neighbor seems bemused by the fact that his wife sometimes “loses her cool” around the kids; he never does, and calmly tells her she “can’t do that.” He’d put an end to the Yellers Anonymous if we were ever foolish enough to yell about our issues in front of him.
Reading the article was valuable, though. I can make more of an effort to keep my yelling to a minimum (say, 500 times a day). After all, the kids are only five — and I don’t want to turn them into yellers. Or would that be so bad?
2 Responses to “Bossy”
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Okay, so we have learned to control our anger and don’t hit our children. But sometimes, gosh blame it, we need to shout! Some people aren’t shouters by nature — and I say, good for them. For the rest of us, sometimes shouting does work, and even when it doesn’t, it can help to lessen some of our own tension. Being a parent is hard work — and doing it with the 2X factor of twins is even harder. Over the years I have learned that sometimes it does have to be about what is good for the parent. If shouting is a way of showing your child that you are angry, and you are expressing a genuine emotion, that can be good for the kid. Hey, I’ve even resorted to crying — but save that until they are teenagers and they can understand.
Basically, what I am saying is, don’t be so hard on yourself!
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm
John, they won’t be proper Philadelphians if they don’t know how to raise their voices in churlish disagreement. Please don’t overlook this segment of your children’s development.
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